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rantings and ravings  So much time but not enough to say what I cannot pride swelled from years ago inside my gut beginning to rot a selfish gangrene starting throughout my body is going to spread no earthly medicine here can cure this sickly bacteria's thread Words resting on the tongue wanting desperately to be said will not, cannot be uttered until this decaying life is dead a new life must be injected in this body ridden with disease to ever be truly well again pride must die, I started by saying "please" His medicine cured my dying body by letting go of hateful pride I am finally able to utter the words that in my sleeping tongue were tied "I'm sorry, Mom." New feelings so different from the old thoughts in my head of trying to discern if I'm alive or dead I never understood before the way I do now the key to unraveling this is not when but how it is not something easy to do on my own it is a journey that takes a lifetime one many do not condone I will walk down this road I know I will stumble the fall could possibly break me and my pride will surely crumble my heart may ache unforgivingly tears of anguish will fall struck down to my knees from a prideful walk to a crawl that's when it hits the hardest down there it is transparent with my pride and conceit stipped away the unrelenting truth becomes coherent I am not in control even though I have tried Sad as it is without Him I would have died He knows I was a train wreck A life that derailed But I asked and he put me back on the track Anyone else would have bailed You see He is always there to fix what I've undone He'll teach me how to walk again by retelling the story of His Son A Son named Jesus who did something miraculous something no one else would ever do He gave up His own life So that I might live and share this with you Life isn't worth living if you are walking in death ask Jesus to save you and give you life's breath. You'll never be the same again It sounds strange but I know once you have seen this road It is the only direction you'll go. It is amazing, the weight that is lifted off when a crush finally goes away. Not that I or anyone else made it easy for it to finally fade, but that God decided I was ready, to be completely content in Him. I am so exhilerated! I no longer think about this one person all the time, but I am fixated on God and how I can best serve Him. I am determined to start with my family, to make more time for them and to give myself more to them, I know I have been lacking in this area. God has been so patient with me, and I have been so blind, so selfish, but I have been forgiven for my blindsightedness, and now I can seek Him more and more because He is all that I see. It is wonderful!! I can't wait to serve Him in Romania! And here when I get back and before I go, I want to do everything I can for Him every day, to bless Him, to honor Him and to bring glory to His name in all things I do and say, what could be better? Current mood:  content.
Everyone out there, if you get this, please pray for me for funds to come in, for strength to go to Romania this summer and virtually be on my own working with two older ladies at the Baby Hospital, and that God would show me His path while I am there and while I am in preparation to go. Prayer and His faithfulness keep me going. Why do people think it is fun to drink themselves silly? Why do people have to hide their feelings and sorrows in the bottle? Why do I feel so empty and uncomfortable while they are sitting out there doing this? Probably because it is someone you love who is doing it to themselves and you wish they'd stop. Ask yourself this question Are you glorifying God? Do you think of Him every waking moment, Or is life like a fasaud? Do you walk around pretending to be happy, only to go home and reveal all the frustration and loneliness that your heart seems to feel? Do you give all your love away and feel you receive almost none in return? Does life never give you that for which you most yearn? If this is how you feel at present then there is one place you must be I have been there many times for the same reason that's how I found myself down on my knees. Asking Jesus to help me, Praying that He would be enough so that I can go on living through those times that are tough. Jesus knows what is in your heart but He also knows what is not Ask yourself this question On your list of priorities, is Jesus on top? Is He the first person you think of when you get out of bed? Is He the last One you give thanks to before resting your head? He did what I asked of Him because with faith I asked in His Name. If you can truly bow before Jesus for you He'll do the same. Jesus wants to give you blessings but you must first surrender your heart And giving up that control you've come to depend on is a good place to start. Jesus has a mission for us all to complete To search for His blessing by being His hands and His feet. Jesus IS enough to be happy every person should know but if you're not feeling it, back on your knees you must go. Ever notice that when you are so busy and don't really have time to slow down that when you finally do you are exhausted? I found that out today, I took a two hour nap and everything and I am still tired beyond belief tonight. Too bad there are things I want to look up on the internet right now otherwise I would go to bed. Maybe this is why I never get enough sleep, because I don't just stop what I am doing to rest. Oh well, such is my life. I kinda like the fast pace. It's when you stop for air when the trouble hits. I have so many memories... of days present or past times that were meant to be forgotten along with ones that are to last. I did not ask for these reveries but they were given to me one by one. by Someone who knows what I'm going to do and knew every detail before these deeds were done. My heart is not my own to covet Even now with every beat I feel something that I never imagined Could come into me and be this real. He has forgiven my past transgressions, Thrown away those memories I cannot Never again will He look upon them Forever, by Him, they are forgot. He has painted a future bright, times I do not yet know Memories waiting to be made in His steps Places He has for me to go. I cannot deny Him my allegiance, For who else would forgive the dead? I am Yours oh One who could forgive me. Take me where You want me to be led. Ever have those days when you think life is just...twisted, kind of like a pretzel and you feel like you are being squeezed in between the knot? Yep today was a day like that. I would just like to rip out the part of me that develops crushes on people and throw it away since the agony can be acute sometimes. But then it just wouldn't be me to be without a crush would it? Such is my life...God is the only one who understands and can fix my heart. Ahhh...I feel so much better now knowing that my family and friends are safe from the fires. What a week it was, it was one of the most stressful of my life...probably. God really took care of all of us this week. Current mood: calm.
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